| (neniu temo) |
[maj. 11-a, 2005|12:47 am] |
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just for you my future roomie! just for you im updating this. i love you dearly. thank you for a wonderful evening! |
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| what if |
[nov. 4-a, 2004|10:53 pm] |
| [ | Nuna humoro |
| |  contemplative | ] |
and in the days to come will i ever know if you will ever care for me? i gave up the biggest part of my own self for i knew that nothing good would ever come along. and now i wonder if it would be worth back the pain and the horror of my actions over time.
would it have made a difference if i hadnt made the choice? would it have mattered to you? would it have meant anything to you if i had chosen to keep going? would you have pushed me farther away?
i finally heard from TJ. which makes me happy. it seemed so long ago that i spend two weeks with the best couple i have ever met. it was the one time i did not feel like i was out of place. how perfect was the moment when we went out to eat and if me and bailey hadnt chosen to veer away from our usual order we all 3 would have ordered the same thing? how awesome would that be?
bailey will soon be back in the area and i will be able to visit her. Tj is off to san diego on tuesday but i am planning on making it home by then just so i can see him and discuss further plans of the wedding. would you have thought to see someone married so soon? i was the fool to think that true loe doesnt come knocking at your door.
do you ever sit and wonder what would have happened if i hadnt made all the choices i have made over the years?
what if i had never moved to fremont?
what if i had never met kim?
what if i had chosen to go to glenmoor 6th grade?
what if i hadnt made friends with rebecca?
what if i hadnt met mathew?
what if jorge hadnt been gay?
what if kevin had never told the world?
what if i hadnt made the choice to hate the world?
what if i hadnt kissed mike that first time?
what if i hadnt given into so many mistakes?
and what were all wondering...
what if i hadnt reached for the knife and pills?
what if mathew hadnt been there to hold my hand?
what if in december he made the mistake instead of myself?
what if i hadnt called mathew that night?
what if rin hadnt rushed over?
what if i had had the strength to let go?
what if new years hadnt hapened?
what if i hadnt seen arran?
what if i hadnt gone to brendans that day?
what if i hadnt gone to chico?
what if i were still having a baby?
what if i were someone different?
the what ifs are too dangerous...because you love me for who i am.
and thus therefore i am. |
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| (neniu temo) |
[okt. 19-a, 2004|11:35 pm] |
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how long has it been i ask? i think ive retreated into xanga...why? because i get to be more nosy. but the simplicity and the love of LJ was lacking |
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| wow it most certainly has been a while |
[sep. 18-a, 2004|11:10 pm] |
| [ | Nuna humoro |
| |  high | ] |
its been a while...oh no lets not break into song here. so far in chico i have
gotten drunk twice.
been introduced to a the fantastic world of illegal ness.
given a home to a very handsome bum.
seen my roomate fall in love
made an ass out of myself
given up my right for self respect to a guy
things ive still to do
go to a frat party
wear a ruffled skirt
find a music class
learn to roll so i can save money
have a sexual encounter
yes that is life in chico. im currently not doing very well in psychology, maybe cause i keep forgetting. oh dear. anyway. but i do enjoy life up here.
im currently sick and have been recruited to be a caregiver for the winter. i miss life quite a bit. no i dont, im enjoying life more than anything right now. now if only i had an id i could go out to the bars. ahahahaha
you are cordially invited to come visit me and my roomate dana. and our posse. its funny weve all gone down to her hometown and met her friends. but none of my friends have come up to visit. ya bastards! im kidding i miss you all. but come visit or atleast call me so that i dont look like this big of a loser. |
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| correction |
[aŭg. 20-a, 2004|10:15 pm] |
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my zip code is actually 95926 not what i had previously written! please make note. and send me stuff. send me a picture. a letter anything. some sign of life! |
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| wow im at chico state! |
[aŭg. 19-a, 2004|10:47 pm] |
| [ | Nuna humoro |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | Nuna muziko |
| | Dashboard Confessional -...i think i miss you most on wed... | ] |
welcome welcome to the next stage of my life.
its not as bad as i thought. i left everything behind and slowly im wanting it back. so i brought everyone in pictures. but i have a task for all you listeners out there!
send me mail! send me pictures! send me postcards~! send me a small sign of life!
write me at
Mariana Olvera
1325 Nord Ave. Apt 283
Chico CA, 95926
i'll write about everything as soon as my computer gets up and running and i dont have to worry about wearing shoes to come into the office to use the computer!
BUT SO FAR,
i have awesome roommates. ive spend more time with two of them than the other one. one is Holly and shes very sweet and she ahs got the bluest eyes i have ever seen. can you believe her graduating class was only 23 people? no she does not come from a stupid school...she just comes from a town of 2000 people! can you believe it? WHS had more people than that.
and my other roommate and bathmate is Dana. she is funny. i watched her do her hair. and i took a practice calculus test for her. mostly so i can explain it to her when she needs help. shes got two friends over right now. one of them reminds me of ABER! ahhhh memories of a very weird time. but all in all they are awesome.
how is everyone doing? for those of you in college? how goes it? for those of you going back to WHS, dreading it yet? good luck to everyone!
i miss and love you all forever |
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| good bye |
[aŭg. 16-a, 2004|11:01 am] |
will you miss me when im gone? will you even notice the days gone by without my soul in existance to keep you company?
will anyone even notice when im no longer here?
i leave in less than 2 days. two days from now i'll be alone in an empty apartment with boxes and no food. i'll have 3 other people around me in what may be the same situation but all in all i'll be the most alone i have ever been in my life.
i will truly be away from my family, friends and everything else.
will you notice? |
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| just recentelly arrived |
[jul. 22-a, 2004|03:59 pm] |
| [ | Nuna humoro |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | Nuna muziko |
| | Dixie Chicks - Godspeed | ] |
for those of you who bother reading this.
have you ever wondered what it would be like to hold a life in your hands and have to make a choice? i dont want to think about what it would mean for me, for anyone.
on a lighter note, i have spent the last two days in Chico. as most of you know im going to school there in the fall, as such my parents and i have been visiting the town to try and familiarize ourselves with it. so me and my mom took amtrack up, its not bad really. somewhat leangthy trip if you have a long stop over in Sac. but other wise its alright. its actually even better if you have a good 500 hundred page book to keep you company. thats about how much i read these past two days. but who cares right?
as to the rest of the world. a date for the wedding has finally been set. August 28th at 1300 my sister will be marrying. im excited. and hope i can have someone to go with. (hint hint.)
so now to rand and ramble. im just starting to notice how lonely i really am. Bailey was my only real girlfriend. and its hard to discuss a lot of things with the rest of my friends who happen to be penis endowed members of society. i always thought...hey i have a gay friend, he will understand me, but it doesnt work that way, considering on how he is not the femenine kind..puts a damper on my plans. i keep listening to top of the world (see last entry) it makes me think of bailey, mostly because i can pick out the harmonies and it makes me think of her. were it not for her i would not be able to hear them.
does anyone know what will become of them? does anyone wonder what trials and terrors they will face in their lives? does anyone not drown in memories of their past? just today a simple memory of coffee with friends took me to a place where a part of me shuddered and a part of me smiled. such is the story of my life, everything leads to death and destruction. every smile comes from the same plentiful tears that flow from my heart.
somehow i dont want to remember but then i remember i used to smile. |
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| to whisper goodbye |
[jul. 18-a, 2004|04:27 pm] |
I wished I was smarter
I wished I was stronger
I wished I loved jesus
The way my wife does
I wish it had been easier
Instead of any longer
I wished I could have stood where you would have been proud
But that won’t happen now
That won’t happen now
There’s a whole lot of singing that’s never gonna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Think I broke the wings off that little song bird
She’s never gonna fly to the top of the world right now
Top of the world
I don’t have to answer any of these questions
Don’t have no God to teach me no lessons
I come home in the eveing
Sit in my chair
One night they called me for supper
But I never got up
I stayed right there in my chair
There’s a whole lot of singing that’s never gonna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Think I broke the wings off that little song bird
She’s never gonna fly to the top of the world right now
Top of the world
I wished I’d a known you
Wished I’d a shown you
All of the things I was on the inside
I’d pretend to be sleeping
When you come in in the morning
To whisper good-bye
Go to work in the rain
I don’t know why
Don’t know why
’cause everone’s singing
We just wanna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Wanna grab a hold of that little song bird
Take her for a ride to the top of the world right now
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
-----------------------------------------------
i miss you lee |
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| the change of seasons so closely resembles death |
[jul. 17-a, 2004|09:45 pm] |
| [ | Nuna humoro |
| |  disappointed | ] |
| [ | Nuna muziko |
| | Dixie Chicks - Top of the world | ] |
somewhere down the road im going to be forced to look back and think on the people i left behind. i keep telling myself that if i dont leave anyone behind i wont have to look back and remember.
i have spent the most miserable 3 years of my life fighting with my soul, with my soulmates, with my friends, with my parents, with my very existence. would you want to look back? i always told myself that were i to leave home i would never look back. i dont intend to. college is my ticket out of here, and while i am still on the teething ring of life, i will remain close by. but come graduation i am gone with no sign or return. why would i return to a house that is filled with my tears and my blood and my tiredness. why would i return to a land where i was forced to pretend that my life was a happy dream.
many of you knew that i lived everyday minute by minute waiting to excape. i found my vices. sorry to say some where people, some where my own pain, some where the same vices that drive people down.
i spent the first two weeks of summer with someone i loved. i cared for her and came to the conclusion that she and she alone has understood me. she has faced some of the same fears and pains as me, as well as plenty more of her own. but towards the end i fell in love with the child she carried in her womb. knowing it to be the 4th of a series of tears and pain i tried endlessly and hopelessly not to fall in love knowing that it would soon shed her skin and leave her body in a clump. it wasnt until earlier today that i was confirmed that the baby which i had come to love is no longer with us, as was expected.
me on the other hand, i have the luck that my body will not burden me with a bundle of joy i would have to expell from my own body. to this day, many opportunities have ben given and my body will not bless me. that or taunt me, because i would not be ready, i will not be ready.
would it be so wrong to leave nothing behind? i leave this life with my back turned and hoping for a better tomorrow. is that wrong? |
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| post-prom |
[jun. 7-a, 2004|10:00 pm] |
| [ | Nuna humoro |
| |  chipper | ] |
| [ | Nuna muziko |
| | CSI | ] |
woohoo! its been a while hasnt it everyone?
so to start off
i got my job back, which is awesome. as soon as i got back everyone was glad to see me back and welcoming me back. i loved it. and well for those of you who didnt know...there was this guy paul there that i was seeing a while back. we didnt talk for like two months...the two months i didnt work, mostly because we didnt have a way of getting in touch i guess, but i guess i got back together with him, and thats a "friends with benefits which will turn into going out" whatever. im just there for the summer. but also theres this manager that i messed around with some time back, we did get in trouble...but we got over it. so there i am working and he started talking to me again and then just suggested we get back to where we were. so were back messing around in the theatres...not bad. i dont mind.
thats work
so then prom!
after all the money spent and all the time planning. i had the most amazing time. (sam if you read this dont say anything) it was mostly amaxing cause i felt i had my own personal male slave. i really do think if i had gone with anyone else i wouldnt have had as much fun. everybody looked beautiful, and we crammed in the limo the driver was awesome. i have about a million pictures of kevin and michael. after prom the driver drove us around and i kept robby awake...he was tired...hehe...but after that we went to jories and mostly we sat around and watched movies and slept. i slept in 4 different places and didnt leave her house till noon thirty...
i'll fill in details later. but most of you were there!
con mucho mucho mucho pero mucho amor |
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| why |
[maj. 11-a, 2004|12:12 am] |
| [ | Nuna humoro |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | Nuna muziko |
| | the sounds of silence...(not simon and garfunkles version..) | ] |
do
i
bother?
no one reads this...why do i even bother with it? so today i got my period...(i sound like its a new things thats never happened before) it turns out i was late not due to pregnancy, but because i have been living with like 15 girls because of rehearsals....we are all on our periods right now...its funny...
but yes....everyday that goes by i get more and more depressed...its hard having to face it all alone...but i dont want to be dependent on medications and i wont be. my doctor is going to kill me...but i want to be safe for prom! i have a hot 16 year old in my hands...im not going to waste it...im gonna get him wasted and then have my way with him...(god i hope he never reads this)
anyway..the last unicorn is nearing! come watch at washington highschool may 14 and 15 and may 20 21 22. i am in it...and you get to see a whole lot of half naked people...half naked very cold people...you know what that means...small penises and hard nipples...whoo! cant wait |
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| dr. seuss purity test |
[maj. 9-a, 2004|12:46 am] |
| [ | Nuna humoro |
| | amused | ] |
i found this on everything2.com go take a look, there are posts there for anything and everything imaginable
A Dr. Seuss purity test is basically a purity test phrased in Dr. Seuss style. Something like:
Have you done it in a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?
Did you do it on the phone?
Have you ever come alone?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?
Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?
Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?
Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?
Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?
Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?
Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?
Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?
Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?
Have you done it without style?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?
Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?
Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?
Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?
Answer these and count your "no"s,
pray this number never grows.
Fifty questions we asked thee,
score times two is your Purity. |
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| oh not again |
[maj. 8-a, 2004|05:15 pm] |
| [ | Nuna humoro |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | Nuna muziko |
| | Jordan Catallano - I called her red | ] |
so yesterday was one of those horrendous days where all i could do was cry.
first i panicked because of prom, things just arent going all that well in that department...i have an awesome date, and awesome dress thats all very cool. personally things are going well...but its the friends part that just isnt working at all. we dont know how were getting there, weve heard limo, party bus, its come down to almost driving there ourselves...
i really want something to happen with robby...im excited about him, i love him as a friend, and im extremely in like with him. but then again hes younger than me and well i dont know, i dont know where this is going...but yeah
and then theres this one huge huge thing that i was talking to perry about. "oh not again" is all i have to say about it. those of you hwo have an idea what this may be...feel free to post a comment...but be sly about it...keep it on the dl...
but other than that...i guess lifes alright... |
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| (neniu temo) |
[maj. 5-a, 2004|06:23 pm] |
| [ | Nuna humoro |
| |  determined | ] |
| [ | Nuna muziko |
| | Jordan Catallano - I called her red | ] |
to many peoples dismay and dissapointment, i have stopped taking my medication. though i know this may not be the most advisable thing to do...i feel as though i can handle myself. (mostly i just want to be able to drink during prom, not to facilitate the raping of a certain someone or anything)
but honestly, im tired of knowing that im dependent on a little tiny white pill...i must say im starting to feel the effects of it and all. and in a couple of weeks my mother is going to notice the lack of pills being taken, but this is my choice, its my body, its my mind, its my dependency.
beyond that, i really do feel i have lost touch with the people around me, kim said its because i dont come to school very often, but i find that i have nothing to go to school for, im gone for weeks and i find that i havent missed anything at all.
i find that in the last 4 years, i have gone around in a big circle. im back at the beggining with few good friends. and losing touch with my reality. but strangely im doing quite fine. im not happy, but for once im content. and thats as good as it gets with me.
for the first time in years i'm in like, but its odd...i cant be blunt and slutty like i have been in the past, i want more. i want friendship and loyalty and love, i'll settle for the first... but yeah...i want "someone" to look at me and say, "hey, i really like you." and just want to be with me. im tired of having sex, im tired of having someone come and try to grab my boobs and touch my legs thinking i belong to him, thinking something will come out of it. im tired of being a nympho like i have been called by someone who thinks of me as "the horniest girl i've ever met" i dont want to be known as that. i want to be something better, but people dont think of my as something better...
i am different! |
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| stars on my arms |
[maj. 3-a, 2004|07:55 pm] |
| [ | Nuna humoro |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Nuna muziko |
| | daria theme song | ] |
there was a time ago. a time where my life was simpler, a time where i didnt carry battles scars with me just yet. i met someone that offered me his stars.
i now look and i have formed stars of mine own. 2 years ago i was suposed to get one inch stars tatooed on my wrists...today i woke up with a 2 inch star on my right wrist. it covers my marks, it covers my growth, it covers my pain.
i then look to my arm and face the brutality of a year ago and the star that apeared on my shoulder after hours of bleeding myself dry.
i now want more. i want more of the blood i left behind. i want more of those scars that i no longer hide. i want more than i have today, i want more than i hold today in my thoughts. |
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| hey i found my user name |
[maj. 2-a, 2004|10:05 am] |
| [ | Nuna humoro |
| | morose | ] |
| [ | Nuna muziko |
| | Moulin Rouge - Love Medley | ] |
im back! isnt that scary. anyway. things have changed in the past several months i think its been. i dont remember who the person i found who wants everything i want was... if you know who this was, or if you are this person, please talk to me. its kinda scary that i wrote of finding a soulmate type person thing, and i have no idea who or what it was.
anyway. proms comming up. im going with a sophomore...whom i absolutely adore...(sorry i was watching "it takes two") anyway. im excited.
thanks to everyone who came to kevins bday party. it all went so well. and can you believe he had no idea. this thing was in planning for weeks in advance and he had no idea.
theres too much to say in the short time that i have left before this screen logs out. so i shall away and wonder if anyone bothers to read this at all...
i love you all |
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